i wont' look

im not gonna even try to ask

your face lacks compassion

and your lips lack moisture

i waited long enough for you

you told me you would never run away

and now you are no where in site

i guess thats what i get for telling you

you didn't deserve to hear my biggest fear

i guess it was the perfect cover

you wanted help with recovery

i was the wrong person to ask

you were insincere

and i see right through you now

now that its too late

i won't look

im not gonna even ask

your face lacks sincerity

and your ears are plugged

i tell myself day after day to keep moving forward

i think thats how i wake up on hot mornings when the sheets stick to my legs and the oscillating fan stops doing its job and is pointed at the wall instead of at my bed. Maybe i'll get myself up and go get some coffee and do some homework ive been putting off, or maybe ill go downstairs and turn on the coffee machine, lay on the couch (maybe fall asleep), then get some coffee go out on my patio and have what should be my only cigarette for the day since the bronchitis still hasnt gone away

i tell myself day after day to keep moving forward

i think thats how i made it through one weekend without drinking. No one calls you if you stay out of town and make it really apparent that you are doing so by posting a straight-forward facebook status saying "not coming into town this weekend". Or if you can't withstand temptation you completely turn off your phone and spend the weekend at you apartment with your roommate and her boyfriend doing things and tagging along to places that they usually go to. And your friends will get mad and tell you in really non-sympathetic messages when you turn your phone on on monday that they understand what you are going through and that you missed out on a kick-ass weekend. Even though you know that they cant even remember what they did.

i tell myself day after day to keep moving forward

i think thats how i can pretend that your not the only boy i think about.

i wrote this awhile ago, just found it

its like waking up with a boy next to you in your bed for a straight week

ad realizing he wants something different, something that doesn't look or talk or act like you. something so different from what you are that it makes you think about what you were to him to begin with. cus in your head, you are everything he could ever want or ever need. but if he wants her, hes not what you would ever really want or really ever need.

i spend alot of time concentrating on not thinking about certian things. especially things that involve ex boyfriends and times that i felt anxious/out of control. and sometimes i think about a mix of the two. and then i have a hard time concentrating on anything besides the fact that occasionally i feel miserable and would like to talk to that certain person again

My life is an adventure of places and people. People I have known for

a while and have grown fond of. And people that I Just met and can't

decide if I could tolerate drinking coffee with them one on one. Cus that's

how I judge if I will become fond of a person. Places that are hard

to get too. Especially if you don't have any money. Like Italy or

Indonesia. Or places that I go everyday like lonnys house or downtown.

i just started thinking about if one day i change my love for a diffrent style of art. and my tattoo is irrelevant to what i love . what if i hate it one day? what if i start to love modern paint splatter art and think my european statue is bullshit. what will i think of myself then?

its because there are only police cars around when you are doing something you aren't supposed to, and its not because you know what you doing is illegal and you are paranoid and looking around you. its actually because there are more police cars around.

whenever i start feeling bad about myself, people start complimenting me. go figure

its getting heavy under the weight of everything

my tendons tighten, and i cant decide what to wear when i wake up

or even decide if i should get out from under the covers, and face the cool air blowing in my open window.

its diffrent when you care, everything becomes a disability. every party of your personality is under a magnifying glass. and nothing is ever what you thought it was before.

its getting destructive, with all this free time

my thoughts paralyze me, and keep me from being reasonable

im pretty reasonable most of the time, im pretty positive most of the time

but right now i can't even pull it together,

i got to wake up everyday and tell myself something that feels really conceited.

maybe i am maybe im not

i don't even want to say it outloud for the fear of it being true

and people trying to help/control me

idk. im not going to deal with it now

im happy. my life is good. this isn't going to stop me from doign what im doing

you smoke different cigarettes then me,which sucks cus i cant bum off you

but when you get out of my car at 4:30am after a beautiful conversation

about positivity in life, my car smells different. and ill drive home happy with the changes in life. and im not upset anymore i cant bum smokes off you

theres something in my mind, that has changed

i think about where my hand rests when i sit next to you, hoping you'll realize it and grab my hand.

and i think about if my text messages are stupid before i send them.

i think that going through hard times with a person, brings you closest to a person.

you learn more about how a person deals with their emotions.

i think the waiting game, is the best part

i think the anticipation that controls you, makes it even more enjoyable in the end.

i think ill drink the rest of my coffee now, and pretend that im not annoyed you haven't called me back.

i think getting out of my parents house is what i needed to fully step into this new part of my life. The transition stage is over. im done messing around and testing the waters. i know what i want for myself and for my life. in the last couple months i have learned how to love myself without depending on others to affirm me. i know my limits and what i wont settle for. ive defenitly made some mistakes in the last few months (especially in the last couple weeks) but i wouldn't take any of it back. Im going to learn and become a better person because of it. and ive been blessed with so many amazing friends that have my back and will be there for me no matter what. I think when you are in a relationship you forget how important it is to have meaningful friendships. And because of my friends i have had the best couple months of my entire life. Some of the most ridiculous times of my life definitely, but i have learned what is important to me. I am happy being a positive person, i love waking up and feeling like i am someone that can be trusted and someone that can be loved for being myself.

And i guess what i am getting to is that there is this boy. And this boy makes me happy, but what makes it even better that i know i was happy before i met him. Its nice not to be dependent on someone to make you happy. Buttttt im defenitly excited for where this is going. Im going to do this right this time, and hes on the same page as me. Im excited to get to know him and go through life with him before we jump into a relationship. And ive never done that. and maybe its because i was so desperate for someone to love me that i moved fast with anyone i could see a relationship with (and obviously that didn't work out for me). and this boy in particular is someone i care deeply about, and if we were to ever date i would want it to be something that is done the right way. not because either one of us wants to be affirmed as a person, or either one of us wants to feel desired. i want it to be so much more than that.

And if it happens with him i will be really happy, and if not i know i will find someone else but i know i am happy with who i am as a person. im not gonna change for anyone to try to get them to love me. because then they aren't actually loving who i truelly am. So take me as i am, or this isn't gonna work.

yea i feel like i am rambling. but im really stoked on life. even with all the bad, life is amazing if you don't let the bad hold you down.

i guess things are going back to normal. after a few days of wanting to lock myself in my apartment for the remainder of the semester, and maybe leaving once and awhile to go buy more cigarettes and go to class, things started to turn around. I forced myself to continue living my life with help of my amazing friends. i guess i can see how much ive changed in the last couple years. if this was two years ago, i would of just locked myself up and gone into a bitter depression. but life is too beautiful, and my friends are too important to me to drop everything for my own selfish reasons. i obviously fucked up, and im going to mess up time and time again. but i can't try to stop my life.

So i put myself out there this weekend, and it payed off. I don't do alot of things because of fear of rejection, but i've learned that more often then not when you put yourself out there you get welcomed with open arms. and this weekend i had an amazing time. i built a friendship with someone who i was intimidated to even talk to, (prolly cus hes adorable) Its nice to be around someone that you are consistently laughing with, where there is no akward silence, and where you both are completely open honest with each other. even if this doesn't go past a friendship, i will be happy because im happy when im with him.

and once again, im content with my life. because no matter what happen, life goes on. and i will make mistakes, and i will be forgiven, and i will learn and become a better person. ANDDD im going to San Fran this weekend with my three best friends. i love that i always have things to look forward too, it defenitly keeps me going.

im feeling worse then i have in a long time

i really fucked up this time.

horible beginning to a new school year

and i cant remember a damn thing from last night.

fuck

no one can fix this, its unbearable.

i wish i could tell you the details, but honestly i dont want to put that burden on you

i can't even write anymore, and i don't know why. im really happy in my life right now. And i know there are some things that i need to work on, but im very very content with my life right now. and maybe thats why i can't write righ now, im used to writing whiney/negative things hahah. so everything i write lately just sounds rediculous to me

and i guess alot of the stuff i write lately i want to keep to myself, cus im the only person that can fully understand.

im afraid me and my roomate live completely diffrent lifestyles

and because we have lived so far apart the last two years, we haven't noticed

but soon enough its gonna become very very apparent.

im a control freak who is living a life that is out of control

greetings from Firenze!!!

so ive been in Florence a week now. the city is beautiful, my apartment is amazing, and i love everyone ive met. My classes are tough but are very relevant and its cool to talk about something and then be able to go out of the classroom and see it. Its cool now that we have been here for a couple days we know our way around the city and kinda know where to go to get everything. and we have met people at restaurants and cafes and stuff and they remember us its fun. im trying to practice my italian i feel like an idiot sometimes but i think they just appreciate that fact that i am trying.

Our apartment is down the street like 2 blocks from the ponte vecchio bridge. So me and my roomates lydia and erin go down and sit on the bridge almost every night. Usualy theres a musician playing and we will go and drink beer and people watch. And some nights we have been going to either wine bars or to bars/karaoke bars. :) fun fun.

anyways im exhausted we are off to rome for the weekend tomorrow :)

POS

you have the face of someone i partied with a week and then never saw again
you left a little token for memory in my bedroom
something i'll tac on my wall and smile when i see it, because it reminds me of how rediculous that week of summer was
i have few regrets, some of which i try to decide to who i should confide in (cus its not real until someone else knows, and can keep bringing it up)
ill listen to your belief of how the world revolves around you
ill agree and shake my head up and down, because i don't believe in much, and i like to make you feel good about yourself
im trying to decide who to confide in tommorow, cus i feel like none of it ever happened
but i have this pit in my stomach thats telling me otherwise
i want the emptyness to fill with sympathy, sympathetic sorrow
you care enough to take everything ive given to you and happily walk away
you have the facial expressions of someone i fell for after i got the slight amount of attention that i needed to feel good about myself.
your were a piece of shit,
and the last night i saw you i was a jerk
and now im the piece of shit becuase i stood up for myself

why do i get attached so fast?

this has been the best few weeks of summer i could of asked for
only to be followed by a month in florence, Italy.
everythings going my way, im not letting anything get me down

that was a feeling way too familiar.

light

the mistake was kissing that space on your neck right below your ear, that made you smile and close your eyes slowly.

i could feel the corners of your mouth turn up on the tip of my nose

and it made me think that you desired my love, and that my passion for you was enough to carry us through anything that the dynamics of life threw at us

it makes me feel better now to think that you never wanted me

so that i don't sit and drink my coffee thinking about how my crazy antics drove you away

i remember how you used to use ending our relationship as leverage

cus you knew how much i cared about you.

maybe the sun will shine on me tomorrow

most likely the sun will shine on the sidewalk where you walk

life sometimes works that way

it makes me feel better to write you emails and save them in the drafts folder

the mistake was falling in love with your family dynamics, and the way the light shined on your patio furniture and reflected into your house as the the sun was setting

maybe the sun will shine on me tomorrow and reflect into the house i call home

most likely the light will reflect off a mirror and hurt my eyes

life sometimes works that way

i have been writing alot lately, though i haven't posted anything i have written..it all seems so juvenile. I feel like i am walking backwards, everything takes a little more thinking then it usually does.

hope everyone had as good of a weekend as i did. it officially feels like summertime ;)

there's nothing worse then feeling a fake joy driven by adrenaline thats driven by annoyances.

You said that all i talk about is the tattoo i want to get and how much i want to travel. and you said that i just sit and don't do shit about it.

the last one is by yours truelly

im so ready for it to be the weekend. this week is going so slow.

my anxiety is super bad this week. i think because its time for finals and i am starting to think about all the changes that are coming in the next couple months. im constantly tapping my foot and trying to calm myself down.

i have a lot of exciting things coming my way in the next couple months, but it is a lot of change. and i don't do well with change

o well. ill survive.

when i wake up, laying in the arms of boy i don't really find attractive or even find interesting,

and he slowely carresses my leg with his hand as if he gives a damn about me or who i am

when i wake up, in the house of a friend of a friend, and im already late for work.

i remember that maybe mouthwash isn't the best idea when your on the verge of puking anyways.

when i wake up, in hemet, still drunk, with my two ex-bestfriends

i start to remember why we drifted apart so long ago.

when im falling asleep, i just fall asleep

when i wake up, id rather not think about it

the future

June 4th- seeing Mumford and Sons with my cousin

June 5th- Appointment to start my tattoo :))

June 9th- last final (done with Spring semester)

June 16th- My last day of working at the RTA EVER!

June 19th- Second appointment to continue working on my tattoo

June 20th- parents leave for Costa Rica (home all mine for a week and a half)

July 1st- Leave for Florence

August 1st- moving out

bah. im shaking from anticipation

i am not

i am not the loved

you do not control my endeavors

im washing my face, trying to wake myself up

once there was a time i felt something other then this water filling up the cup my hand creates, spilling over the tips of my fingers

i am not the desired

sometimes i think about just driving away

staying at acquaintances houses along the way, sleeping in my car if i have too

putting on ambient music and singing my own lyrics in my car thats in desperate need of an oil change

you wont find me where you left me

im moving on

i am not the deranged

you cannot condemn my actions

i like being in control, i rather drive then sit covering my face praying that God will forgive my sins before i die in a horrible car crash

i think there was a time in life where i discovered many ridiculous phobias i had

they weren't as ridiculous as they were unnecessary

i don't think ill ever be stuck in a drive through of a fast food restaurant so long i feel trapped, though there was a time it made me anxious thinking about it

sometimes i realize im not as polished as i thought i was

my hands smell like vomit and my hair smells like whisky

your dressed like Woody allen and i feel like a less fashionable Diane keaton

theres nothing interesting that i can say, nothing that you haven't heard or talked about before.

i don't know why i am here, i don't know why i like feeling undesirable

you make me feel young, not because you call me baby, but when you talk about things i have yet to experience.

;will i ever make it to the summer of my dreams, when i fall asleep in your house i wake up feeling confused and exposed.

When i get stood up two days in a row, i stop thinking about putting myself out there. It doesn't take alot to get my hopes up; but id rather be a dreamer then a pessimist

all the things i don't like about myself are the things that make me endearing.

3 haiku's

Too much, falling down

The whole weight of everything

Pounding in my chest

How are you feeling?

I think you left your clothes here

I won’t be giving back

The sun shines on you

Reflecting your sad green eyes

Lets enjoy the shade

the imaginarium of doctor parnassus

Photo by: Ashlie Chavez

http://feaverishphotography.com/blog/

let me tell you a story

i don't mind that im too nice. but sometimes it makes me feel like i just drove 40 miles at 4 in the morning to pick up a piece of shit person i dont even really know or owe anything too

this morning i got home around 2am, i lied in my bed half drunk, half regretting driving home

as i began to fall asleep i get a call from a friend, a friend thats barely an acquaintance, but someone thats a mutual friends with many people i know

hes at a club, stranded

after very little convincing, i got out of bed and drove down to aneheim to pick him up

my good deed for the day

i wait, twenty-eight minutes to be exact, 6 phone calls later

i realize hes not there, i wasted my gas and my precious sleeping time

i drop that sweatshirt thats been in my trunk for 4 months on my exes car,

since i was in the area.

i listened to that shitty band on my way home on the 91, the band i swore id never listen too, trying to feel those emotions i supressed long ago

i don't feel any lighter.

i don't feel like i am any more appreciated

i get home when the sky is dark purple fading into light blue and the streets are filling with cars, with people going to work

i don't mind that im too nice, especially when someone would rather pass out in the back of a pick up truck in a parking structure then wait for me.

i don't like to think about much of anything anymore. only things that will help

Denial is a stage of bullshit

im scared that i will never be able to find something that makes me feel that content

i miss feeling the desire to be with a person every second, and hoping and praying they feel the same way about me

it made me feel complete, like none of my time was being wasted

you can never predict what is going to happen, though i don't remember looking further than one day ahead, maybe i could of seen this coming

if you asked me in the beginning of January how i would be spending the rest of the year, i would say "with him"

im ready to move out of my parent's house

i like to think im mature, i like to feel independent

i wish you were still the last person i had kissed

if i could remember how you kissed me, if i remembered how you slid your hand into my hair and held the back of my head,

it would bring me closer to remembering how you used to love me

Denial is a stage of bullshit

Im in that stage

i like to lie to people i meet, and tell them ive never been in love or heartbroken.

i like to tell them im looking for that "special person" and i just haven't met them yet

I ran into this old friend from high school,

i give her a week before she realizes im full of shit

i stopped standing up for myself, because i loved you so much

pertinent

maybe i look at everything the wrong way.

maybe i looked at you the wrong way since i met you

- i still think your sexy

im hoping my friends don't see through all my bullshit

im hoping i can finish this cup of tea before i fall asleep

- just enough caffiene to keep me up so i can reply back to your text message

you remind me of someone else.

you remind me of that girl that was in my economics class in high school

-the natural, disgusted look on her face when she wasn't paying attention

i write to read my own thoughts

i write so i don't have to think about it anymore

love is irrelevant

you are not pertinent

maybe

i want to walk into the forest, and get consumed by my surroundings, and overwhelmed by the height of the trees

lay in the moss and get dirt in my hair,

then ill come back to my best friend's house and shake my hair over her bed

and we will share that bed that night, and talk shit on the immaturity of boys

my house is going to have chandeliers in every room

i think i told everyone that once

or maybe just those who i believe will be around to see it happen

the deepend of an above ground pool

life keeps getting weirder and weirder. Never have so many random things happened to me. sometimes i wonder why i keep doing these things. and how come these things keep happening to me. but then before i think too hard, i stop caring

this is my life now. i need to figure shit out on my own.

#22

i want to give my brother a job for his birthday, and put nineteen candles on his cake and pretend he understands what i am going through.

feeling like i always say the wrong thing i pretend you didn't ask me what i did last night. if i open my mouth id prolly tell you all about the crystal meth i did last night.

Just because i can't lie to you

...No im just kidding

I think

just something i drew at work today

goodnight

i woke up today to my brother asking "you still sleeping". its pretty sad when my brother wakes up and showers before im even out of bed. i've recently started enjoying sleeping. i spent the day sitting on the step in front of my house today finishing my research paper for my english class and drinking coffee. If it wasn't for the coffee i don't think i would of ever completed a paper on Art Censorship that wasn't bitter. i added pictures at the end of the paper in an appendix, it looks good. I decided after running through the rain and having my Italian class cancled i should prolly stop being a molerat and go back to andy's porch. there are always people on the porch.

The weather was glorious today, id move away to keep this weather with me

A meteor shower is supposed to start this morning, hence why i am still awake

you've been updated...now you can go to sleep

-B

Jose Gonzalez - Heartbeats

Oxymorons are for dictionaries

I took this as i was driving home today. I spent all day in my cubicle at work and when i got out i got a beautiful surprise..it was raining!

my brother came home tonight from school. i miss him when hes not around.

Desperate to feel something, other then the wind in my hair as i drive on the freeway.

Rolling up my windows, listening to my wind shield wipers

I want to hear something other then lullabies your mother told you as a child

The words have no relavance to your life then or now, but they helped you fall asleep so they hold something close to 'good memories' to you. The happiest words your mother ever spoke.

Tell me something i've never heard before.

You can't see yourself ever getting married

Tell me something i haven't heard before

your casually concerned with my latest episode.

And i tell you to lay with me til i get the song out of my head. But as you lay next to me you fall asleep, your head on my chest. I can't stop thinking about my breathing, my chest rising and falling, raising your head with every breath. And my breaths start getting faster as i try to parallel my breathing with yours. Too fast, too much air.

It wakes you up,

and you are concerned with my latest episode

the olsen twins

i find it fascinating that after getting a cavity filled at the dentist, when you smoke a cigarette you can only feel the smoke enter your mouth on one side.

i like leaving a group of close friends to hang out with people that barely know me. there's something ironic about it, that makes me feel better

im procrastinating i should be doing school work right now, but i can't stop looking at pictures of the olsen twins.

April

Go watch "Exit through the gift shop"

San Diego

chasing seagulls

i need this, i wanna go on bike rides

are you there?

Today, i turned my phone off

perplexed, a desire the silence

Straight to voicemail, straight to exclusion.

A man from Teen choice asked me for money today as i sat in my garage, he complimented my painting, and i told him i was broke. I wondered as he walked away if he would of taken back the praise if he could.

I wonder if people call me today, and i don't hear the call, if they wish they hadn't of tried at all.

most of the time everything is so easy to dismiss.

so easy to fall to a level of sullenness. Without the slightest chance of rescue.

Today you all make me sick, ill, impaired, indisposed, queasy, nauseated, debilitated, confined, frail, green, lousy, and week.

Get out of my head

back seat

For three months i have thought of what i would say to you. The right way to say it without sounding bitter or desperate. Without sounding forgiving or satisfied. Making sure that every concept was covered thoroughly.

The questions need answers, your sweatshirt needs to leave the backseat of my car

You need to know how you destroyed this dreamer

But if i ever saw you, id take your face in my hand and kiss your forehead

and make sure that you have been ok

again, my feelings and questions would be in the backseat