you know when you hear that song that just puts you in a thinking mood? i was going through my favorite list of videos on youtube, that certain song came in that just perfectly fit my mood and now here i am.

thinking alot lately, not writing it out though. like i should.

time is passing quickly. im working a shitty job with shitty pay. but im working and thats what ive been wanting for the last year.

he's working. which is what he's needed for a long time now.

and now that we have jobs we made a decision to get apartment together when the rent at my place is up in june.

time is weird

it sneaks up on you, and its good when it fast forwards through the shitty parts. but sucks when it slows back down and your stuck in a shitty time.

and i not really sure where i am right now. im happy. but im afraid.

i was raised by my parents to follow a certain list of rules. and im breaking every one of those. and i guess this is growing up. getting older and making my own decisions. but its scary cus everything in my head is telling me im doing everything wrong. and i get that feelingin my stomach that i am gonna get "caught". i know its just emotional trauma from being rebellious in high school, but its haunting me

i love andrew with all my heart. i cant' sleep with out him next to me. he makes decisions for me when i cant decide where to get lunch. he likes that im strange.

i want to move in with him, we are practically living together now, but im still terrified of my parents, what they will think of me.

fuck it

i don't see myself doing the typical adult things anyways. what i mean is i see myself traveling, moving around alot. i see me and andrew living in diffrent cities and enjoying all the adventures. i want to get married, i really do, and i want to have kids, but me and andrew both dont want to rush into that, and we want to be a stable financial place before that happens...and i don't see that happeneing soon. im a fucking art student.

but i don't mind being poor as long as i have him, and i have my passions and my drive to create something beautiful..

its a unending cycle.

this is what happened last time

i can't be alone

i can't be apart from him or i feel deserted

and last time thats what ended it

i can't be mad.

cus he's right

you think i would of learned my lesson

i think about having kids with you

maybe opening that brewery we've always talk about

having our own home together

we are unseperable

i tried to go to sleep last night without you

i tried

sometimes i get sad, sometimes i get really sad

you are the only cure

that would be scary if we weren't so in love.

there is no fear of who your with, but only what is absent from your mind.

i am imagining you sitting on your brothers couch, eyes red and concentrated on the screen.

theres no contemplating, no decisions

just blank stoned stares

your gonna hate me one day

resent all that i did, and didnt do and, all that i put you through

its hard to think outside of my own world

and think that you could be with someone else

and that i could continue loving you

even when you arent mine anymore

your gonna hate me one day

resent me

and all i put you through

how is it possible

for this to be real

when, i thought i was in love and he left me

that was unreciprocated love

and i guess thats the only kind that i know

how is it possible

for it to be real

and for you to stay

your gonna hate me soon enough

resent me

and all i put you through

i can't even think about you

without feeling unbearable pain in my chest

when looking back, i did all i could do

but we both mistaked a amazing friendship for a unhealthy co-dependent relationship

and it makes me sad now that we don't hang out as much as we used too

and you don't really answer my phone calls anymore

but i guess i actually don't call you anymore because of the fear of you not answering

i don't do well with people coming and going

i don't believe you were one of those people that was supposed to be in my life for a season

cus that means i was just being used again

and if i told you i was sorry would it matter?

would the tears go away? the fear?

times are changing, and im resisting

your body feels cold laying next to mine

not close enough, the distance between our hips tears us farther apart.

i never wanted this

but i did warn you that this day would come

i have to go away

i cant bare to see you like this

you dont smile like you used too

you dont talk to me like you used too

ive made this distance between us

im sorry