i wrote this awhile ago, just found it

its like waking up with a boy next to you in your bed for a straight week

ad realizing he wants something different, something that doesn't look or talk or act like you. something so different from what you are that it makes you think about what you were to him to begin with. cus in your head, you are everything he could ever want or ever need. but if he wants her, hes not what you would ever really want or really ever need.

i spend alot of time concentrating on not thinking about certian things. especially things that involve ex boyfriends and times that i felt anxious/out of control. and sometimes i think about a mix of the two. and then i have a hard time concentrating on anything besides the fact that occasionally i feel miserable and would like to talk to that certain person again

My life is an adventure of places and people. People I have known for

a while and have grown fond of. And people that I Just met and can't

decide if I could tolerate drinking coffee with them one on one. Cus that's

how I judge if I will become fond of a person. Places that are hard

to get too. Especially if you don't have any money. Like Italy or

Indonesia. Or places that I go everyday like lonnys house or downtown.

i just started thinking about if one day i change my love for a diffrent style of art. and my tattoo is irrelevant to what i love . what if i hate it one day? what if i start to love modern paint splatter art and think my european statue is bullshit. what will i think of myself then?

its because there are only police cars around when you are doing something you aren't supposed to, and its not because you know what you doing is illegal and you are paranoid and looking around you. its actually because there are more police cars around.

whenever i start feeling bad about myself, people start complimenting me. go figure

its getting heavy under the weight of everything

my tendons tighten, and i cant decide what to wear when i wake up

or even decide if i should get out from under the covers, and face the cool air blowing in my open window.

its diffrent when you care, everything becomes a disability. every party of your personality is under a magnifying glass. and nothing is ever what you thought it was before.

its getting destructive, with all this free time

my thoughts paralyze me, and keep me from being reasonable

im pretty reasonable most of the time, im pretty positive most of the time

but right now i can't even pull it together,

i got to wake up everyday and tell myself something that feels really conceited.

maybe i am maybe im not

i don't even want to say it outloud for the fear of it being true

and people trying to help/control me

idk. im not going to deal with it now

im happy. my life is good. this isn't going to stop me from doign what im doing

you smoke different cigarettes then me,which sucks cus i cant bum off you

but when you get out of my car at 4:30am after a beautiful conversation

about positivity in life, my car smells different. and ill drive home happy with the changes in life. and im not upset anymore i cant bum smokes off you

theres something in my mind, that has changed

i think about where my hand rests when i sit next to you, hoping you'll realize it and grab my hand.

and i think about if my text messages are stupid before i send them.

i think that going through hard times with a person, brings you closest to a person.

you learn more about how a person deals with their emotions.

i think the waiting game, is the best part

i think the anticipation that controls you, makes it even more enjoyable in the end.

i think ill drink the rest of my coffee now, and pretend that im not annoyed you haven't called me back.

i think getting out of my parents house is what i needed to fully step into this new part of my life. The transition stage is over. im done messing around and testing the waters. i know what i want for myself and for my life. in the last couple months i have learned how to love myself without depending on others to affirm me. i know my limits and what i wont settle for. ive defenitly made some mistakes in the last few months (especially in the last couple weeks) but i wouldn't take any of it back. Im going to learn and become a better person because of it. and ive been blessed with so many amazing friends that have my back and will be there for me no matter what. I think when you are in a relationship you forget how important it is to have meaningful friendships. And because of my friends i have had the best couple months of my entire life. Some of the most ridiculous times of my life definitely, but i have learned what is important to me. I am happy being a positive person, i love waking up and feeling like i am someone that can be trusted and someone that can be loved for being myself.

And i guess what i am getting to is that there is this boy. And this boy makes me happy, but what makes it even better that i know i was happy before i met him. Its nice not to be dependent on someone to make you happy. Buttttt im defenitly excited for where this is going. Im going to do this right this time, and hes on the same page as me. Im excited to get to know him and go through life with him before we jump into a relationship. And ive never done that. and maybe its because i was so desperate for someone to love me that i moved fast with anyone i could see a relationship with (and obviously that didn't work out for me). and this boy in particular is someone i care deeply about, and if we were to ever date i would want it to be something that is done the right way. not because either one of us wants to be affirmed as a person, or either one of us wants to feel desired. i want it to be so much more than that.

And if it happens with him i will be really happy, and if not i know i will find someone else but i know i am happy with who i am as a person. im not gonna change for anyone to try to get them to love me. because then they aren't actually loving who i truelly am. So take me as i am, or this isn't gonna work.

yea i feel like i am rambling. but im really stoked on life. even with all the bad, life is amazing if you don't let the bad hold you down.

i guess things are going back to normal. after a few days of wanting to lock myself in my apartment for the remainder of the semester, and maybe leaving once and awhile to go buy more cigarettes and go to class, things started to turn around. I forced myself to continue living my life with help of my amazing friends. i guess i can see how much ive changed in the last couple years. if this was two years ago, i would of just locked myself up and gone into a bitter depression. but life is too beautiful, and my friends are too important to me to drop everything for my own selfish reasons. i obviously fucked up, and im going to mess up time and time again. but i can't try to stop my life.

So i put myself out there this weekend, and it payed off. I don't do alot of things because of fear of rejection, but i've learned that more often then not when you put yourself out there you get welcomed with open arms. and this weekend i had an amazing time. i built a friendship with someone who i was intimidated to even talk to, (prolly cus hes adorable) Its nice to be around someone that you are consistently laughing with, where there is no akward silence, and where you both are completely open honest with each other. even if this doesn't go past a friendship, i will be happy because im happy when im with him.

and once again, im content with my life. because no matter what happen, life goes on. and i will make mistakes, and i will be forgiven, and i will learn and become a better person. ANDDD im going to San Fran this weekend with my three best friends. i love that i always have things to look forward too, it defenitly keeps me going.

im feeling worse then i have in a long time

i really fucked up this time.

horible beginning to a new school year

and i cant remember a damn thing from last night.

fuck

no one can fix this, its unbearable.

i wish i could tell you the details, but honestly i dont want to put that burden on you