there is no fear of who your with, but only what is absent from your mind.

i am imagining you sitting on your brothers couch, eyes red and concentrated on the screen.

theres no contemplating, no decisions

just blank stoned stares

your gonna hate me one day

resent all that i did, and didnt do and, all that i put you through

its hard to think outside of my own world

and think that you could be with someone else

and that i could continue loving you

even when you arent mine anymore

your gonna hate me one day

resent me

and all i put you through

how is it possible

for this to be real

when, i thought i was in love and he left me

that was unreciprocated love

and i guess thats the only kind that i know

how is it possible

for it to be real

and for you to stay

your gonna hate me soon enough

resent me

and all i put you through

i can't even think about you

without feeling unbearable pain in my chest

when looking back, i did all i could do

but we both mistaked a amazing friendship for a unhealthy co-dependent relationship

and it makes me sad now that we don't hang out as much as we used too

and you don't really answer my phone calls anymore

but i guess i actually don't call you anymore because of the fear of you not answering

i don't do well with people coming and going

i don't believe you were one of those people that was supposed to be in my life for a season

cus that means i was just being used again

and if i told you i was sorry would it matter?

would the tears go away? the fear?

times are changing, and im resisting

your body feels cold laying next to mine

not close enough, the distance between our hips tears us farther apart.

i never wanted this

but i did warn you that this day would come

i have to go away

i cant bare to see you like this

you dont smile like you used too

you dont talk to me like you used too

ive made this distance between us

im sorry

to stay or to go. to live where im comfortable or move where everything will change. there are so many pros and cons. what will make me happiest. i can't even think about this anymore. its tearing me apart

weve all changed in our own ways. we've let our decisions effect every inch of our life. and there are some changes for the best, and have made our life more fulfilling and given us direction. and there are some changes that have torn us apart, and left every inch of our body feeling bruised. there are changes that take time to effect us directly. and there are changes that are drastic and only time will tell if they will lead to good or bad.

and we have all changed in our own ways. and some decisions have led people away from me. some of the decisions mine and some of them theirs. but my decisions were never to itentionally make them leave. just minor or major fuck ups. accidents that go unforgiven. a decision i made at the moment, that leads people away from me. when people decide to leave on their own, all i can do is continue on hoping they will decide to come back. but when its my decision that scared them away...i can't deal. i can say sorry. i can try to forget about them, i can apologize, and beg and plead. but they always just go farther and farther away

its like they finally got a chance to get out of the door that they have been longing to exit through. and i gave them an excuse to leave. and they run and never come back.

i guess im just rambling through some of my thought processes tonight. i was talking to Andrew about all the decisions i have to make in the next few months. what school to go to next year. where im gonna live when my rents up. where i gona work next year etc etc. and it started me thinking about changes. and recently all except andrew, ive gone through some sucky changes especially with friends. and i guess andrew couldn't of come at a better time, cus i feel so so so alone. like i've scared away everyone i have ever cared about. but i don't want andrew to become a crutch. ive grown too independent in the last year to start becoming dependent on a person again to take care of me. i need to fix my own problems, i need to rebuild friendships and put effort into frienships again, and he can be there with me along the way

brain. hurting. from. thinking. non.stop. wish. i could. sleep.

its all catching up to me

all the things i told myself didn't matter and that i could move past

but all of it matters, and i never moved past any of it

alcohol has fucked up everything in my life

one thing at a time

and i can't seem to give it up

and i see it fucking this up too

cus whos gonna wanna stick around when im such a lush.

you will never go back to being hollow again

what if everyone was made of hollow glass,

fragile, and cold to the touch

and everyone had a hard outer shell

What if we all broke

let the pieces shatter

as we jump into anothers arms

all of our body broken into shatters

and the pieces laying on the ground.

the one we jumped into, the one who broke us

no longer was a solid form either

just jagged slivers in the same pile as the ours

we would never be put back together

we would just lie entangled and broken with each others bodies.

i think thats why we would be glass

cus once you take that jump and once the crash happens

theres no going back

you will never go back to being hollow again

its hard to see beauty when you are underground

im so blessed. when i get upset and feel like the world is caving in on me. i open my eyes and see that there are amazing people around me. and regardless of what i've done they are there to support me and pick me up. and i don't argue with them, i don't question them. i know that life is amazing and beautiful. i know that my life is full of beautiful people, and exciting days. i know that i have been blessed with passions and dreams and need to continue on to see them happen.

i wanna wake up and see the beauty in every day. i went through a period where i did that. and i know that i can't be happy every day, but i want to go back to the mindset that i had before that every day is a new and beautiful day. im gonna be positive, and love, and live, and dance, and laugh, and paint. and when things get me down im gonna depend on those people around me that love me and ask for help and have them pick me back up. cus its hard to see the beautiful scenery when your underground.

i make these decisions not thinking of the consequences. and thats how i want to live. it seems so nice. to live without worrying. but when the day comes and the consequences have caught up with me. there is no need to worry cus my life has already became a mess. Sometimes i wonder how i should live. and if im fucking up my life if i continue the way i am. i should be really happy right now. but im still holding on to something that i will never get.

i concentrate on my breathing so much sometimes, that the anxiety returns

i wrote this on this exact day last year

im not the girl you fell in love with in the summer breeze

i changed for your mother and your father, i quit smoking when you were in Argentina

i drove countless and countless of miles because it always better to be the one that shows love too much instead of not enough

its always better to be the one in the relationship that loves more

even if it means that your heart breaks more in the end