when i wake up, laying in the arms of boy i don't really find attractive or even find interesting,

and he slowely carresses my leg with his hand as if he gives a damn about me or who i am

when i wake up, in the house of a friend of a friend, and im already late for work.

i remember that maybe mouthwash isn't the best idea when your on the verge of puking anyways.

when i wake up, in hemet, still drunk, with my two ex-bestfriends

i start to remember why we drifted apart so long ago.

when im falling asleep, i just fall asleep

when i wake up, id rather not think about it

the future

June 4th- seeing Mumford and Sons with my cousin

June 5th- Appointment to start my tattoo :))

June 9th- last final (done with Spring semester)

June 16th- My last day of working at the RTA EVER!

June 19th- Second appointment to continue working on my tattoo

June 20th- parents leave for Costa Rica (home all mine for a week and a half)

July 1st- Leave for Florence

August 1st- moving out

bah. im shaking from anticipation

i am not

i am not the loved

you do not control my endeavors

im washing my face, trying to wake myself up

once there was a time i felt something other then this water filling up the cup my hand creates, spilling over the tips of my fingers

i am not the desired

sometimes i think about just driving away

staying at acquaintances houses along the way, sleeping in my car if i have too

putting on ambient music and singing my own lyrics in my car thats in desperate need of an oil change

you wont find me where you left me

im moving on

i am not the deranged

you cannot condemn my actions

i like being in control, i rather drive then sit covering my face praying that God will forgive my sins before i die in a horrible car crash

i think there was a time in life where i discovered many ridiculous phobias i had

they weren't as ridiculous as they were unnecessary

i don't think ill ever be stuck in a drive through of a fast food restaurant so long i feel trapped, though there was a time it made me anxious thinking about it

sometimes i realize im not as polished as i thought i was

my hands smell like vomit and my hair smells like whisky

your dressed like Woody allen and i feel like a less fashionable Diane keaton

theres nothing interesting that i can say, nothing that you haven't heard or talked about before.

i don't know why i am here, i don't know why i like feeling undesirable

you make me feel young, not because you call me baby, but when you talk about things i have yet to experience.

;will i ever make it to the summer of my dreams, when i fall asleep in your house i wake up feeling confused and exposed.

When i get stood up two days in a row, i stop thinking about putting myself out there. It doesn't take alot to get my hopes up; but id rather be a dreamer then a pessimist

all the things i don't like about myself are the things that make me endearing.

3 haiku's

Too much, falling down

The whole weight of everything

Pounding in my chest

How are you feeling?

I think you left your clothes here

I won’t be giving back

The sun shines on you

Reflecting your sad green eyes

Lets enjoy the shade

the imaginarium of doctor parnassus

Photo by: Ashlie Chavez

http://feaverishphotography.com/blog/

let me tell you a story

i don't mind that im too nice. but sometimes it makes me feel like i just drove 40 miles at 4 in the morning to pick up a piece of shit person i dont even really know or owe anything too

this morning i got home around 2am, i lied in my bed half drunk, half regretting driving home

as i began to fall asleep i get a call from a friend, a friend thats barely an acquaintance, but someone thats a mutual friends with many people i know

hes at a club, stranded

after very little convincing, i got out of bed and drove down to aneheim to pick him up

my good deed for the day

i wait, twenty-eight minutes to be exact, 6 phone calls later

i realize hes not there, i wasted my gas and my precious sleeping time

i drop that sweatshirt thats been in my trunk for 4 months on my exes car,

since i was in the area.

i listened to that shitty band on my way home on the 91, the band i swore id never listen too, trying to feel those emotions i supressed long ago

i don't feel any lighter.

i don't feel like i am any more appreciated

i get home when the sky is dark purple fading into light blue and the streets are filling with cars, with people going to work

i don't mind that im too nice, especially when someone would rather pass out in the back of a pick up truck in a parking structure then wait for me.

i don't like to think about much of anything anymore. only things that will help

Denial is a stage of bullshit

im scared that i will never be able to find something that makes me feel that content

i miss feeling the desire to be with a person every second, and hoping and praying they feel the same way about me

it made me feel complete, like none of my time was being wasted

you can never predict what is going to happen, though i don't remember looking further than one day ahead, maybe i could of seen this coming

if you asked me in the beginning of January how i would be spending the rest of the year, i would say "with him"

im ready to move out of my parent's house

i like to think im mature, i like to feel independent

i wish you were still the last person i had kissed

if i could remember how you kissed me, if i remembered how you slid your hand into my hair and held the back of my head,

it would bring me closer to remembering how you used to love me

Denial is a stage of bullshit

Im in that stage

i like to lie to people i meet, and tell them ive never been in love or heartbroken.

i like to tell them im looking for that "special person" and i just haven't met them yet

I ran into this old friend from high school,

i give her a week before she realizes im full of shit

i stopped standing up for myself, because i loved you so much

pertinent

maybe i look at everything the wrong way.

maybe i looked at you the wrong way since i met you

- i still think your sexy

im hoping my friends don't see through all my bullshit

im hoping i can finish this cup of tea before i fall asleep

- just enough caffiene to keep me up so i can reply back to your text message

you remind me of someone else.

you remind me of that girl that was in my economics class in high school

-the natural, disgusted look on her face when she wasn't paying attention

i write to read my own thoughts

i write so i don't have to think about it anymore

love is irrelevant

you are not pertinent

maybe

i want to walk into the forest, and get consumed by my surroundings, and overwhelmed by the height of the trees

lay in the moss and get dirt in my hair,

then ill come back to my best friend's house and shake my hair over her bed

and we will share that bed that night, and talk shit on the immaturity of boys

my house is going to have chandeliers in every room

i think i told everyone that once

or maybe just those who i believe will be around to see it happen

the deepend of an above ground pool

life keeps getting weirder and weirder. Never have so many random things happened to me. sometimes i wonder why i keep doing these things. and how come these things keep happening to me. but then before i think too hard, i stop caring

this is my life now. i need to figure shit out on my own.