i can't even think about you

without feeling unbearable pain in my chest

when looking back, i did all i could do

but we both mistaked a amazing friendship for a unhealthy co-dependent relationship

and it makes me sad now that we don't hang out as much as we used too

and you don't really answer my phone calls anymore

but i guess i actually don't call you anymore because of the fear of you not answering

i don't do well with people coming and going

i don't believe you were one of those people that was supposed to be in my life for a season

cus that means i was just being used again

and if i told you i was sorry would it matter?

would the tears go away? the fear?

times are changing, and im resisting

your body feels cold laying next to mine

not close enough, the distance between our hips tears us farther apart.

i never wanted this

but i did warn you that this day would come

i have to go away

i cant bare to see you like this

you dont smile like you used too

you dont talk to me like you used too

ive made this distance between us

im sorry

to stay or to go. to live where im comfortable or move where everything will change. there are so many pros and cons. what will make me happiest. i can't even think about this anymore. its tearing me apart

weve all changed in our own ways. we've let our decisions effect every inch of our life. and there are some changes for the best, and have made our life more fulfilling and given us direction. and there are some changes that have torn us apart, and left every inch of our body feeling bruised. there are changes that take time to effect us directly. and there are changes that are drastic and only time will tell if they will lead to good or bad.

and we have all changed in our own ways. and some decisions have led people away from me. some of the decisions mine and some of them theirs. but my decisions were never to itentionally make them leave. just minor or major fuck ups. accidents that go unforgiven. a decision i made at the moment, that leads people away from me. when people decide to leave on their own, all i can do is continue on hoping they will decide to come back. but when its my decision that scared them away...i can't deal. i can say sorry. i can try to forget about them, i can apologize, and beg and plead. but they always just go farther and farther away

its like they finally got a chance to get out of the door that they have been longing to exit through. and i gave them an excuse to leave. and they run and never come back.

i guess im just rambling through some of my thought processes tonight. i was talking to Andrew about all the decisions i have to make in the next few months. what school to go to next year. where im gonna live when my rents up. where i gona work next year etc etc. and it started me thinking about changes. and recently all except andrew, ive gone through some sucky changes especially with friends. and i guess andrew couldn't of come at a better time, cus i feel so so so alone. like i've scared away everyone i have ever cared about. but i don't want andrew to become a crutch. ive grown too independent in the last year to start becoming dependent on a person again to take care of me. i need to fix my own problems, i need to rebuild friendships and put effort into frienships again, and he can be there with me along the way

brain. hurting. from. thinking. non.stop. wish. i could. sleep.